So let me tell you a story about the dramatic hash that my life has been made of lately.
This week, I started a job that I LOVE. It’s only part-time, but it’s work that I enjoy doing and it’s to benefit one of the best non-profits in my community. I love the people, I love the programs, and I love being a part of their mission. I’ve been walking around with a smile on my face every day. After so much time spent working for fools, or not working at all, I finally found my way back to a job where I could be happy. It doesn’t pay much, but I figured with financial aid and another job I could get by.
Today, I got my finalized financial aid offer from OSU. No grants. No possibility of other support. I can take out $25k in loans a year, and that’s it.
By the time I graduate with a masters, I’ll be well over $60k in debt if I don’t work enough to pay my bills.
But it might be worth it, right? Keep the part-time employment I love, just suck it up and accept the debt. That could work.
These were the thoughts running through my mind tonight when I was loading some furniture into my car. This was the hope that was planted firmly in my mind when I managed to knock my rearview mirror off the windshield, cracking it irreparably. It looks like someone shot the mirror straight off from the outside with buckshot. Online research is telling me this will be a $500-$750 repair. So, that’s fun.
Aside from that, my teeth are literally falling apart in my mouth. I have physical and mental health conditions that a half-year of crappy or no insurance have exacerbated. Something new breaks in my damn car every day. I’m still getting collections calls from the identity theft I had to deal with last year, and my credit has suffered accordingly. My dog is 14 years old and half-blind. I could only afford to keep the part-time job if absolutely nothing financially disastrous happened between now and when I graduate- and that is certainly not something I can bet on.
But maybe I can bet on it? Can good intentions pay my rent? Can that unspecified light in the center of the universe that supposedly keeps our George Baileys from jumping of bridges throw me a bone if I opt for monasticism?
I guess I just feel like since the beginning of 2011, I have been falling short again and again. I keep taking gambles and I keep screwing up. I keep letting people who care about me down. I’ve been so wrapped up in just trying to fix my stupid life I hardly know anything about my friends anymore. I have been crappy to everyone I know this year, and it makes me sad. I don’t know how to fix those connections, and that makes me sadder. I just want everything to be easier again.
But it is not going to be, and I know that. It’s time to stop being a child and deal with my shit. And my life is not that bad, my God. I have a lot to be thankful for. But there was a time in my life when I felt I could do no wrong, and it was a great feeling. Right now I feel like I can do no right.
Oh well. Life sucks, sometimes.
(ps: I hope the fact that I used a Dead Milkmen song here shows that I am not completely hopeless with despair…just needed to kvetch. Also, any excuse to listen to the Dead Milkmen.)